citrus_manga's Xanga

Is there a 'God'...?

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 07:16:21 GMT

...or at least a higher being of equal stature? I am currently watching 'Intervention' on A&E as addicts and the like subject themselves to facing their own mortality and I have to wonder, "Is this just? Is this really written as a part of God's plan? When He created Earth and human beings, did he intend for us to value life in the way that we have, for us to convert the life He gave us and hand it over to Death?"...If everything has a meaning, then tell me this: Why is it that 'good' people are killed more and more each day while the ignorant and the latent are given a "free ride" in life? Why do they still even exist?

In truth, what made me write today was not only to save the blog I love so much, but because my father's birthday and the anniversary of his death is coming up...

I lost my faith in God the moment my father left this earth three years ago, and I continue to lose it the more I face today's reality TV, news, and even the cases I have heard or seen throughout my job. I realize that in the light of someone's passing, stories and obituaries will highlight the positive side of an individual, so I understand the absurdity of passing judgment when I don't truly know them or their lifestyle. But who knows better than myself and my family the life that my father lived? He truly was a good man, oldest son in his family and the provider for our household, he was the rock that kept us grounded. So I can safely say that his passing had no benefit to God's will or our well being. To this day, my mother is living in denial and she is just 'going through the motions' to stay alive. My younger brother is unruly, in the sense that he is devoid of common courtesy and the ways of life--he will start junior high this fall and I fear that he will remain sheltered due to my mom's incessant doting and the lack of male guidance he so desperately needs...

I fear a lot of things, ~my~ mortality being the least of my worries...I fear for the well-being of my family and friends, I fear for the future of our school system and their insistence on a rigid curriculum without the inclusion of social changes that have been going on for the past fifty years, I fear for the existence of our ecosystem as we pimp out technology for its disposal value rather than its qualitative value, I fear that our world's resources will be exhausted before I die, but worst of all, I fear for those people that have suffered (by their own hands) because they cannot see the harm in their actions. I emphathize with their distress (I don't condone it by any means, but I can understand how they came to reach that place), but I cannot imagine ever choosing self-gratification to the extreme lengths they have gone to for the sake of my friends' or family's...

So to see people like those on 'Intervention', that are still alive and living a frivolous existence, with loved ones that are desperately reaching out for them to face their addiction, to which they reply with either denial or further self-indulgence in their habits, I just can't grasp the fact that my father's life was potentially passed over so that people like this could enjoy life, remain breathing, as opposed to those that have worked hard all of their lives or lived for a purpose, only to die a pre-mature death---where is the god-damned justice?!

You may call me a cynic, but this is what I believe to be true...

Well, for those who have subscribed to me and have stuck with me (despite my far and few between updates), thank you for reading. I apologize again for the heavy contemplating I have done, but I feel like it's an unspoken truth that many people believe but don't feel the need to say out loud. [I'll try not to be so serious next entry, but I can't make any promises! See you next time! ^-^]

Overworked and Not Even Paid...

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 05:05:03 GMT

I've just been submerged in a dose of reality. Something I've known since last semester (heck, even last spring) was brought to my unwanted attention today.

My sister had the nerve to remind me about the fact that I am a junior and should already have my career intact. Meaning I should already have a vision of where I want to be with my degree and how I am going to get there in this final stretch. Granted, it is within perfect reason if I were, say, blowing up a joint, blowing up the school, or just blowing in general. But the fact that I've been working my ass off as a full-time student, deeply involved within organizations, ~and~ looking for a job to obtain a meager income so I don't have to mooch off of my mom, she should have understood where my anger was coming from.

I mean, I haven't switched my major and I am still within the four-year plan. (Although on a somewhat-related note, the thing that has screwed my plan over is the fact that I've been taking a full load each semester and the thanks I have to show for it are that at the end of this current semester as a 2nd semester junior, I will _still_ be a registered junior next semester due to being three f**king classes --9 credits-- short of senior status!)

I will be honest, prior to last semester, I was definitely riding off the coat-tails of my family's generosity (whether it be monetary or otherwise) and since becoming more involved in my school, I've finally become closer to finding my calling...but ~then~ for my sister to go and do that, it really felt as if I had gotten the 'Sorry' and bump all the way back to 'START'.

I'm damn scared of going out into the real world: having my own place, working the standard '8 to 5'...I think that's another thing. I don't want the 'generic life'. I want an interesting job with a decent salary and a passion that will never waver. Utopia, how I wish you exist...

But, as messed up as her approach was, I am glad that my sister has taken over where my dad would have snapped me into place. I am by no means taking it easy, but I can see my sister's point in showing initiative. I guess it just frustrates me because I know in order to show initiative, I literally have to pimp myself out to the school and (eventually) any prospective work agencies. And that is the _last_ thing I want to do. I have my pride, dammit.

Well, for the mood that I am in and the workload that I have for the next millenia, I don't know if I will completely revert back to my former style of randomness and lewdness...eh, we'll see...

Thanks for reading! Peace out and wishing you an early 'Gung Hay Fat Choy'!

^___^'

The gift of gab has been restored! (For the time being)...

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 04:49:07 GMT

So, yeah, as you can see from my last posting, I haven't been on in awhile. So, 'why', may you ask have I started now...?

Good question. But for now, I'll take it as a rhetorical question. XP

Honestly, I had the urge to talk and decided that you would be my audience. Sucks to be you...

Well, I'll ease you into my sarcasm, for those that don't know me.

...

... ... ...

Okay, so for those that have subscribed to me but have forgotten who I am and what I sound like, "Hi, I'm Jessica, aka citrus_manga. I'm a lover not a fighter, and I like to shank those that like to walk on the beach!"

Just kidding (sort of). Well, to answer your unanswered question (I know you're dying to know!), the reason it took me so long to update was because my father passed away two and a half years ago. Not to say I became a recluse (~emo~) and lost touch of all interaction with the living, but I just needed some time to focus internally before I shared openly and outwardly. Not to mention, I've been waiting for something profound or insightfully and witty to say as my grande entrance...but I've got nothing. So you are stuck with this entry. Meh, it could be worse...;p...

Anyway, redirect...So, basically, I had lost faith in everything after my father passed away. I'll be honest, he was a good man. And I'm not saying that because he was my father but because more than 600 people total came to his wake and funeral or sent their condolences. And they all remember his greatest qualities: his smile, his dedication to his family and work, and his unfettered wisdom. He had battled duodenum cancer since my junior year of high school. Two and a half years, three surgeries, and every cancer treatment later, he was strong even in his death. I was the epitome of 'Daddy's Little Girl', and that day I cried like one as well.

Fast forward to the present, I've become deeply involved with school and have since regained a sense of purpose in life (~Wow~, that sounded _less_ cliche in my head. -_-)...What I meant was that I've always been an open-minded person. I joined my GLBT(Q)/Straight alliance group at my university last year (the first semester after I returned after my father's passing). There, I finally embraced my passion for unity and all-inclusiveness and found within my campus a second family. After that, it became an open door of organizations that I just can't get enough of! I'm proud to say that I am a part of my school's diversity organizations.

But enough about my accolades. (j/k)

No, really, I look forward to spending more time with ya'll and sharing all of my random revelations and insane logistics. This is probably the most serious I will get for the time being so thanks for listening!

Love ya'll and peace! ^___^

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 20:09:51 GMT

So I'm watching Comedy Central and 'Comedy Central Presents' is on. The comedian: Pablo Francisco...but that's not important...he was doing a segment on male strippers...I know what you are thinking..and, no,...now get your minds out of the gutter...so I'm watching the male strippers...oh, god...I mean, Pablo Francisco...and he's talking about how one of his buddies is a male stripper and as part of the story stated how it must be convenient when you're wearing your g-string and you need to pay the pizza man...and than he got into how 'used' the money must be...and it got me thinking...

...oh, what was that?...oh, I'm not sure where was going with that...in unrelated news, I got back sixteen dollars worth of change in ones...

...

...

...Peace out...I'm gonna go wash...

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Sun, 22 May 2005 08:30:48 GMT

Hey, everone! Sorry I haven't updated in awhile! Virtually nothing exciting has happened to me...or anything worth writing about...but today I have found it seemingly worthwhile...

Today...was my FIRST TIME TO GO CLUBBING!!!!!!!!!......I know, sad, considering I'm 19 almost 20 and am in college...I should have been bitten by the party bug right now...but alas, it has eluded me...which is good academically and bad socially...

So today was my friend, Erica's 19th birthday and we went to Jillian's in Houston and later to a local club called "Surf Shack" in Richmond...it was fun but you will not believe the amount of Indian guys that hit on us...now I have nothing whatsover against Indian guys...but they were just really dorky and really grabby at the same time!......I mean, it's like, "WTF?"......ya know?

Either way, though, the club was okay and the floor was packed...none of the guys were worth it but there were a few that caught my eye...they had an 80's dancefloor and the more mainstream one...like I said, nothing to write home about (to yourself) but enough to where we at least enjoyed each other's company instead of the gropy homo sapiens!

Also, before the club at Jillian's, we hung out with a few of the people I knew from junior high before I moved: Xuan (pronounced 'Swan'; enjoying Baylor and her boyfriend), Sam (chillin' in the local scene), Taylor Hollier (now going to Julliard as a bassist), and a fine specimen named Andy Stewart...he was the class clown in junior high and is now majoring in theology...he was thinking of taking on the position of a minister!......which is such a waste because he is a cutie...but said instead he is going to finish his degreee and then see where it takes him...totally made a blonde out of myself...we were watching the others play pool and he wanted to play the next game; I asked if he was good and he denied...so thinking 'theology' and automatically linking it to 'theo-ry', I was like, "...you could use your major towards it by predicting the placement of the balls..." to which point he corrects my UTTER STUPIDITY and says that, "...no, theology as in prayer..."......yeah...shoot me in the foot and call me 'Ashley'...I was that stoned...it's sad cuz I kinda knew that didn't sound right when it came out yet my mouth kept convincing itself to make sounds...GAH!...stupid..stupid...anyhoo....I hope I can coax him to come when we go clubbing next time...he is so sweet and cute!

....let's see....what else is happening?...I am on a job hunt and have yet to land anything...I better get a call soon or I'm seriously gonna have to take drastic measures to get some cash...with realm or reason, of course.......

....lalalallalallalalala...well...it's 3:30 AM and I'm about spent...already washed the grime off me and am now awaiting Rip Van Winkle to adorn my door frame...him and his sexy beard...anyway.......gotta go!

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Sat, 14 May 2005 09:14:10 GMT

Okay...so I'm totally reading fanfic right now and I must pose a question...

DURING SEX, IS IT USUAL FOR GUYS TO SCREAM "MINE!" TO THEIR LOVERS????

...............

...the reason I ask is not because I've experienced this but because I've been reading alot of fanfic which seems to have this reoccurring theme...me and my friend have actually held a debate over this and have yet to come up with a conclusion...in fact, it only further fuels our confusion....'Do guys think of us as property as they climax?'...'Are they that desperate to mark their territory that they have to verbally lay claim to us?'...'Is it a natural response to retort, "Yours, yours, only yours!"?'...so many questions unanswered!!!!!!!!!......uuummm, yeahhhhh...

...so I hope everyone has a killler weekend!...I know I will cuz I am going to call all my buddies that are back from school and see if they want to get together and rejoice!...WOOHOO!...POTENTIAL PARTYING!...

...oh, yeah...and if you want to get in on this highly sophisticated debate that I have provided you to ponder over during the break, please feel free...I would love to hear others' insight!......now if you'll excuse me, their our several fanfics that have updates and I must attend to them...*a-hem*...[clears throat]...sayonara, minute fledglings!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Thu, 12 May 2005 19:15:21 GMT

Hello, cybernet! Today was great! I got home yesterday from college and am currently chillin' at home in good ol' suburbia, aka Katy, Texas......got to sleep in reasonably late (11) and have yet to enjoy it further when the phone rings...s'okay though because afterwards me and my dad go out to eat at a Japanese restaurant called 'Sushi Hana'...the manager is really friendly...LOVES my dad...and ,on occasions, has given Jared a free Japanese sprite...afterwards we went to drop off my dad's dry cleaning...

...it was such a compliment when I went in to drop off the dry cleaning...the cleaners there no of my dad really well and always ask how he's doing (since they knew that he goes to chemo)...and when I went today, they knew that I was his daughter and so they said how much I looked like him...now to some that may sound like an insult, to look like your dad when you're a girl, but to me that is a downright compliment......to me, my dad is the embodiment of a strong person...he's been through alot and yet he can carry himself with such confidence that those acquainted with him feel nothing but respect and admiration towards him...I can joke with him and be serious at the same time, and he will always offer a smile or a gesture of comfort...he can offer everything without saying a word because I get him like no one else...and that makes me love him even more......sorry to go off on a tangent like this, but it seemed in the realm of revelance when I wrote it......okay, done blubberin' like an idiot over here...[takes a moment to wring out keyboard]...

...so now that spring session is over with, there is nothing but summer school, summer job, financial aid, books, and my ever-popular Gold Award project to worry about...YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAaaaaaa.......

....I'm gonna go wallow in my grade inquiry and fan fic...my existence fuels no other purpose......ain't that right, Heather?...well, ja ne, everone!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Wed, 11 May 2005 00:10:19 GMT

Hey, everyone! CHECK OUT THE DVD ABOVE...IT'S UBER HILARIOUS...IT'S LIKE A BIRTHCHILD FROM ADULT SWIM...EVERY EPISODE IS RANDOM AND EVERY EPISODE WILL HAVE YOU GOING, "WHAT THE HELL?!" AND "THAT'S IS F**KING HILARIOUS!"...I URGE ALL OUT THERE THAT HAVE AN OUNCE OF HUMOR IN THEM TO GO BUY OR RENT!

...I'm almost outta here!...Less than one day away from...SUMMER SESSION, SUMMER JOB, SUMMER ANTICS THAT END IN ME GETTING a) bitten; b) sunburn; c) harrassed; and d) stressed beyond my wildest dreams!!!!!......SUMMER'S GONNA ROCK!...anyhoo...as if that's not enough stress...I am killin' myself wonderin' what I got on my finals...I really felt that I didn't do the minimum to get the B I wanted in History...WHICH SUCKS EGGS!......I feel it in my gut that it bites!...I think I did okay on my others...KNOCK ON WOOD!...[where's Scott's head when you need it...]...

....OOOOOOHHHHHH....uber excited cuz I finished my tech theatre final...we had to build a flat (a background screen that is the equivalent of a portable wall) and for extra credit we got to paint on it...I chose a comic strip panel from "Megatokyo", where the characters are in their gaming form and Pirogoeth captures Largo...it's hella funny......I'll post the pic at the end of my rant...

...so, yeah...hafta be outta here by 2 tomorrow and my final for theatre is from 11 to 1...hope I make it out of there in time...hafta clean tonite and study no more! aWOOHOO!......aaahhh...so stoked...can't wait...then I get to visit my high school teachers and my old friends...it will be SWEET!...

...okay...I think I'm done...nuttin' interesting...here's the strip...go check it out from the beginning at www.megatokyo.com It's great!

...Come on, Heather!...I say we blow off what's left of school and run off with the 'Lunar Legend Tsukihime' series!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Tue, 03 May 2005 18:16:17 GMT

Hey, again! This will be short and sweet cuz I'm starving!...nothing much happened since I last left you...this weekend I had dinner with my parents' friends...Saturday I helped out my aunt with her garage sale and went to my brother's Tai Kwon Do tournament...he got 3rd in form!...Yay!......and then Sat. night I spent with Heather in College Station, having a movie night with one of the girls from my old high school...it was hella nice!...there apartment building is set up like a hotel....pool, fitness room, aerobics room, etc....NICE!...anyhoo...spent the night and headed for Borders in the Woodlands for 4 hours (a short trip considering our background)...dove into a cute series called "Eerie Queerie"...I agree with Heather...the first book was the best!...little disappointing in the 4th and final book....HE DOESN'T EVEN GET A KISS!......totally messed up!...Well, I think that's about it for now...gearing up for finals...will worry about packing next week...much stress...little worry...alright...toodles!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 17:34:18 GMT

Hey, everyone! Thought I'd drop a quick line as I parusse(?)...fan fic...my computer has, I'm assuming, joined forces with a computer virus, so I am left to fend at the university computer labs......being in public scares me...

...so, I think I will have to leave soon as I have a lunch date with my suite mate and my new friend, Maria...totally obsessed about anime like we are so it's great!...hafta eventually study for math test tomorrow...boo.......but I'll live...

...speaking of live, who really feels like they are alive...because we are mobile, does that make us alive?...because we think and speak and DO, does that make us alive?...Jessica and a girl down the hall that's been hiding from Kai Alpha (Christian group) and I were having a semi-heated discussion about the existence of God and a Hell and evolution...we have come to the conclusion that hell is what you make of it, or might not even exist, and that in essence, God is really all in the same entity, viewed differently among each religion...

...that was our opinion...any thoughts?...I'm not one to dwell on religious matters as I feel it doesn't define me nor anybody else, but I feel the need to discuss ever since I've met Amber (the girl from above) and heard how she's been stalked by the Christian group relentlessly to try and have her 'saved'...I thought she was joking until we heard the girls from her group calling out her name as they attempted to locate and snatch her up for one of their meetings......and get this, on one occasion they were like, "Amber, I know you're in there...you have to come out some time..."......I know...flashback to slasher/occult movies and you have a regular Monday night for Amber...hehhehehhehe...isn't it awful when you can find humor at other people's expense?...anyhoo...I gotta go...eat, drink, and be merry...catcha later!